Pretty Little Liars Season 4 Finale Recap a.k.a. What In God’s Name Is Happening

I’ve been watching Pretty Little Liars since season one. And, like probably around 85 percent of American females, I’m addicted. Do not disrupt me during the show or I will scream at you (no, Dad, I really just can’t talk to you about my meal plan for school at the moment. I have to pay some serious attention to this show). Last night’s season 4 finale was no different. My eyes were glued on the screen at all times.

The episode starts off with the girls receiving their first package out of three with four magic 8 balls in it. Together, they read, “If she goes free, you’ll hear from me. Kisses, A.” Wow, A, where did you get the balls do to that? Ha. No. I know. Okay, continue.

This random Travis guy is now trying to identify who he saw in the woods right before Wilden was killed and suddenly there’s like 5 lookalikes of Ashley Marin standing next to each other. Where did they all come from and who even are they? Did PLL just send out a request asking to cast young looking ginger moms?

Finally, the charges get dropped against Mrs. Marin and two seconds later she is dressing like a hoe to go see that pastor Ted guy.

The girls get ANOTHER package and this time is turns out to be a kid’s coffin. Okay if that isn’t creepy enough, it has a small doll that looks like Mona inside. I think I would’ve shit my pants upon opening it and thrown it as far as possible away from me. So now A is trying to set them up so the cops think the girls killed Mona, but they have to find her first. Okay.

Suddenly CeCe is a suspect in the murder of Wilden and the girls are just hanging around at Hanna’s house with an open kid’s coffin with a Mona doll inside. DO SOMETHING WITH THAT WHY ARE YOU SITTING NEXT TO THAT CREEPY THING.

Spencer goes to find Wren and instead we learn that Shauna is inside the empty looking house with Jenna’s car and we don’t know why. Where is Jenna? What is Shauna doing? Why so sketchy?

Toby is still crying over his mom and this is still confusing because, uh, what does it have to do with A? If the whole A plot line wasn’t confusing enough, they have to add in a whole other side mystery about what happened to his mom.

Then Toby conveniently finds a paper with Wren and Melissa Hasting’s names and address in London on it that Shauna dropped. But then nothing else is said about it for the rest of the episode.

Aria goes to The Brew alone after Jake leaves because he can’t stand her interest in boring black and white movies and she runs into Ezra. HASHTAG EZRIATOGETHER. AND OMG ARIA KISSES EZRA RANDOMLY AND LOOKS ALL SHOCKED AND THEN THEY NONCHALANTLY CONTINUE TALKING WHILE MUSIC PLAYS.

They get a third package after the doorbell rings. Okay, so they literally answer the door two seconds after it rings yet don’t think to look around for someone running away in the broad daylight? I thought you were smarter than that Spencer.

This time it’s a weird magic box that of course Spencer figures out how to open, which reveals a saw inside. Is a box built like that even possible? Then suddenly Spencer determines that this is all somehow related to A putting on a magic show. So the girls Google magic related things and find out there’s a magic show in Ravenswood so automatically they are like okay let’s go because Ravenswood isn’t creepy and magic is fun.

So they go and the creepy magician mime stares at them and so does some other creepy guy who looks like he stepped in dog shit and just smelled it. No really, what was up with that guy’s face? Of course the mime picks Aria and creepily stares into her/my soul and does a lame magic trick, which is obviously FAKE.

And then when it’s over Emily is missing. Okay so how did A snatch Emily during the show without her making a sound or fighting back or anyone noticing at ALL? Emily is a tough bitch — surely she can fight back.

Does anyone notice that Red Coat cannot run in heels? Like, girl, if you’re trying to run from people maybe you should invest in some sneakers cause you run like you’re a prancing deer.

So they find Emily in a wooden coffin about to be split in half and instead of stopping the saw, they try to cut the chain open. Instead Red Coat stops it (why?) and we find out there are two red coats. Wat.

Spencer goes after one, while Aria goes after the other. Aria does some kung fu and kicks CeCe in the head and even though she’s about to fall to her death, Aria tries to save her. Why? I don’t know. But too bad Aria drops her anyway and she almost dies but doesn’t because then she escapes without them hearing her deer feet running away.

Spencer thinks the other one is Ali because she lead her to a weird lair of A. Somebody is watching them through a hole in the wall. Okay so who was that? Looked like a girl’s eyeball or maybe a guy with very nice lashes. It can’t be Mona’s brown eye because we find out she’s chillin’ at a bed and breakfast where Shauna goes to deliver something to her. Lucas had nice eyelashes, didn’t he?

So that other trailer lair thing from the past where Mona hung out is apparently nothing compared to this lair because there’s lots of high tech computers and systems and cameras and pictures and timelines. The girls try to hack the system in A’s lair alone while not even freaking out a little bit that someone could come in at any second and kill them all.

They figure out that A is probably a guy cause there’s black suit jackets and stuff in it.
They refer to him as “Board Shorts” but I can’t even remember why that was a thing.

Ali is still alive because A has been following her every move. “If Ali has been alive this whole time, then whose funeral did we go to?” YEAH GIRL WTF EMILY WHAT IS GOING ON?

As they finally leave, Grunwald flies out of the sky or something and tells them that she saved Ali and pulled her out of the ground. UM? Why is she randomly telling them this now on the street? But then Ali disappeared after she brought her to the hospital. OKAY GRUNWALD YOU CREEPY WRINKLY WITCH LADY. Then she’s like, “He’s here” (A) and peaces out.

A is watching them of course as they decide to be stupid and crash a party and he goes into his apartment and sees that they’ve been inside and suddenly hi it’s EZRA WHAT THE FUCK LIFE IS OVER HE FREAKS OUT AND WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT THIS IS THE POINT WHERE I SCREAMED AT MY TV AND RAN OUT.

After I finally contained myself, I thought about this a little more. EZRA? WHAT? I should’ve expected they would pick the least suspected person to be A. BUT EZRA? None of this makes sense. So he’s the one sending the girls texts that say “Kisses, A”??? He has enough money for two apartments off of a teacher’s salary??? He had time to be A while he was babysitting his not-child Malcolm??? If he’s not gonna get fired for sleeping with one of his students, now he’s definitely screwed. EZRA? Who is hopelessly still in love with Aria? I want to believe he’s pulling a Toby and protecting them but NOOOOO.

WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING? I GUESS I HAVE TO KEEP WATCHING. God, this show stresses me out. But I love it. Until October…

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